Sweat, Equity, and That Time I Won Gold in the Olympics

On the next episode of Olympic Teachable Moments with your local SpEd teacher: EQUITY.

Can you say “equity” boys and girls? Can you say “feel good buzzy word for a feature of communism?” Fantastic! Gold stars and medals for everyone! Now, this is not a jab at any athlete just a helpful and relatable example in this season of champions.

 

Imagine Noah Lyles running the 100-meter dash…against me–a 45-year-old, thick, white woman who is utterly lacking both skills and  self-discipline (at least the amount required to be a world-class sprinter.)

We actually are going to start at the same place–the starting line. Equal access. Done. No one will prevent us from running our race.

 

Equal opportunity? Well…that one will require some intervention because we have different abilities, strengths, motivations, priorities, etc. So, Noah needs to not run as fast as he can. And I need meth, a motor, and a moving finish line. Easy peasy. Equal opportunity secured! Woohoo!

 

Equal outcomes. Check! Noah got to the finish line first and in record time I might add. I arrived not even close to soon after, aided by Snoop and some Norwegian heptathmatician or something, wheezing like Chunk from Goonies and amassing followers on TikTok. It’s my analogy, why not? We stood on the podium side-by-side…on the same level…and both received our gold medals. We both received the same pay, respect, and endorsements.

 

Because we are both world-class sprinters. Obvi. Because equity.  Now I am going to have donuts because no matter how much I suck or how little I try, equity makes up for it. And now Noah is also going to have donuts because no matter how hard he works equity will diminish it.

 

Now do you think others will want to train to run faster or be content to settle for slower…but with the same benefits?

And here we are today. The United States of Equity…where mediocrity is hailed and excellence eschewed for podiums of posers.

 

Gone are the honors classes for fear not everyone will pass them. Gone are the real winners because there can be no losers in a world that is entirely equal. There are victims and oppressors. And in this example, I am the victim. Me and the boxers with XY chromosomes. I love the Olympics, don’t you?! We saw diversity be just amazing in the opening ceremonies. We’ve seen inclusion do incredibly fun things for the jaws of women in the boxing rings. And now…equity.

 

Have you ever noticed how few middle-aged white women are represented in the men’s track and field events? It’s embarrassing. We should be ashamed of ourselves. There’s me and…well…just me. I am brave. I am a civil rights warrior. Me and Jussie “Smol-Let me get this noose off my neck.”

 

Equity says that 100% can and should be the top 1%. That means all the me(s) can and should be all the Noahs. What an incredible time to be alive! To do so, race must override competence. So, it doesn’t matter that I’m slow and out of shape because I am a white birthing person and underrepresented in men’s track.

 

From Noah according to his abilities, to me according to my needs. And quite frankly, they are GREAT. Hence the need for the pre-race methamphetamines. I am in fact the lowest, slowest common denominator. Get on my level. Seriously. You have to. Equity demands standards must be lowered. There is no place for merit in polite and progressive society.

 

 

This would be funny if it weren’t so painfully familiar. I mean all of this foolishness really is on the same slippery sloped spectrum between all the “isms…” Marxism, Socialism, Communism…the end of Americism? Isn’t communism fun? Make sure you share this with your kids and grandkids so they can see how fun communism is too. Preferably before November.

**I am really getting quite good at this whole AI art thing. You’re welcome. I understand that the runner has 6 fingers and a weird thumb, but I thought she really captured my dogged determination, underarm wings, and joey-less pouch. #Merica

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